I Want to Believe

I left the LDS church (the Mormon church) a few years ago. With all of the mess that’s been occupying my life for the past two years, I haven’t had much time to think about religion… other than a sharp realization that I could no longer pretend to understand why Christ was divine. (Well, that’s the short story. There’s more to it, naturally.)

So where does that leave me? I don’t know.

I haven’t had a lot of time to examine what I believe. That’s changed now. Most of the mess I’ve endured has been cleared up. And the remainder could be gone any day. So I no longer have a valid excuse or a clear rationalization to avoid it, no matter how tempting it seems.

There’s no rush to figure out what I believe I suppose; though I do feel some urgency to belong. Even if I never attend a church meeting again (in whatever church), there is comfort in knowledge, in knowing where you fit into the grand scheme of things, in knowing that you fit in with others somehow. So what to believe?

Oh, I know some of what I don’t  believe: I don’t believe in the Abrahamic religions. But that isn’t to say that there aren’t parts of that particular religious group that aren’t true. It’s just, as a whole, I’ve examined them and found them unbelievable.

Take Christians, for example; as I’ve already stated, I can’t believe in any religion that believes Christ was divine. As for the other two big Abrahamic religions, Judaism and Islam, they both believe in a single, male God.

It’s not that I have anything against male Gods. I couldn’t believe in a single, female God either. I just can’t believe that there is one all-powerful being in control, male or female.

Perhaps it’s a result of my Mormon upbringing: Mormons believe in a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother. Oh, they only worship the one male God, but they believe in his female mate too. (What’s more, they believe that an infinite number of Heavenly beings existing somewhere. They just don’t worship them. So they really don’t care much about them, which is one reason why they’re never mentioned and most non-members don’t know about them.)

The idea of many male and female divine high somethings, well, that makes more sense to me. And going from a belief in many Gods to a belief in one single God feels like downsizing anyway.

I’ve looked closely at Atheism. There is an awfully tempting logic to Atheism, and a certain amount of altruism to which I’m drawn. But there’s an awfully tempting logic to belief in a deity, too. Either way, it’s a belief; for just as there’s no proof that there is something divine out there, there’s no real proof that there isn’t.

Which is all to say that I’m leaning heavily towards belief in some divine thingamabobs, and not just one. Which lead me to Paganism. I’m just getting introduced to it by way of the internet. I’m looking for a few good books as references now, since many Pagan internet sites can’t seem to agree on much and much more of it seems a little, well… froofy.

Frankly, I can’t see myself taking spiritual advice from some guy who has chosen to name himself after a flower, wears long plastic beads with Birkenstocks and tie-dye tees, and looks like he has a severe case of patchouli-stank.

I’m hoping to find someone a little more authoritative on the subject than good old patchouli-stinking Sunflower Goodfyllowe, or whatever his name was. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s just not me.

I mean, Prudence Ponder  is not my real name. (Y’all got that, right?) Yeah, I chose  Prudence Ponder, for various reasons. So me following a self-named Moonman Ravynwylde… not going to happen.

What it all boils down to, I think, is what I want to believe. Oh, I don’t believe that there is a divine green-eyed purple polka-dotted hippo out there that controls the universe, or whatever. I’ve never believed in anything remotely related to Calvinism. I never could.

I just can’t escape the feeling that there is more out there, that there are divine somethings that have some interest in us, however small. And I’d like to think that we have some connection to them.

I think, that after a few years in hell where I couldn’t believe, I’m willing and ready to have faith in some divine pooh-bahs. Whoever they are.