See? See?!!!?!!1!1!! Rachael Ray is EVIL. She kills puppies.
Not that I needed another reason to hate her… Still. It’s nice to have an opinion validated by a competent authority. Sweet!
The Back Story: Once upon a time, I watched 30 Minute Meals every day. Seriously, if I wasn’t able to be at home when the show was on, I taped it. I made detailed notes. I trolled Food Network, magazines, and Rachel Ray’s own site looking for 30 Minute Meal recipes, ideas, information, and tips.
I tried a few of the recipes. And none of them worked for me. Oh, I didn’t expect to make them in 30 minutes; I realized that Rachael Ray has to practice an awful lot to get those meals down to 30 minutes. The timing wasn’t the problem. The problem was the food.
The food sucked. Man, that food sucked hard.
Yum-O? More like Yuck-O.
Now, I am a good cook. I’m an amazing baker, but I do well with regular stove-top cooking too. (I’ve never met an Ina Garten recipe I couldn’t handle.)
But these supposedly easy no muss-no fuss dishes from Rachael Ray were kicking my ass.
So Delish? Hardly. And for crying out loud, can’t she say delicious? It’s only one more fucking syllable.
That’s when her voice started getting on my nerves. When you add that to her overly cute delivery, inane slang, ceaseless pandering, oft-repeated phrasing , and rictus grin… well, I began to hate her.
EVOO? ARRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!! Would it fucking kill her to say extra virgin olive oil? Even if she just said olive oil, we’d all know what the hell she meant. Why unnecessarily complicate things with the EVOO shit? It doesn’t save time to say EVOO because she has to stop and explain what EVOO is when she says it. It’s just another part of her cutsie act that drove me insane.
So I stopped watching 30 Minute Meals.
And just about that time, Rachael Ray started showing up on other programs on Food Network. Now, I love to cook. (If I posted a picture of me, you’d know that already.) And I’m a good cook. So I like to watch Food Network. But I can barely turn on the stinking channel without seeing Ray’s grinning moonface looking back at me.
But little Miss Thing didn’t stop with Food Network. Oh no. She has a talk show. And she didn’t stop with TV. Oh no. It’s bad enough that she’s invaded the bookstore. She now has a magazine. She sells cooking equipment at Kohl’s. She on the box of some crackers. She has a brand of extra virgin olive oil. And recently, she invaded my favorite TV shop; Et tu, QVC?
Everywhere I turn, that moonface is glaring at me. She’s stalking me. Make her go away!!1!!!!111!!
P.S.: I am fucking sick of the color orange.
P.P.S.: Looks like I found some inspiration to write, after all.