Happy New Year!

For 2009, I offer you two Irish blessings:

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
And may the rains fall soft upon your fields.

May you have warm words on a cold evening,
A full moon on a dark night,
And the road downhill all the way to your door.

May your blessings of 2009 far exceed those of 2008.

I Still Hate Rachael Ray

See? See?!!!?!!1!1!! Rachael Ray is EVIL. She kills puppies.

Not that I needed another reason to hate her… Still. It’s nice to have an opinion validated by a competent authority. Sweet!

The Back Story: Once upon a time, I watched 30 Minute Meals every day. Seriously, if I wasn’t able to be at home when the show was on, I taped it. I made detailed notes. I trolled Food Network, magazines, and Rachel Ray’s own site looking for 30 Minute Meal recipes, ideas, information, and tips.

I tried a few of the recipes. And none of them worked for me. Oh, I didn’t expect to make them in 30 minutes; I realized that Rachael Ray has to practice an awful lot to get those meals down to 30 minutes. The timing wasn’t the problem. The problem was the food.

The food sucked. Man, that food sucked hard.

Yum-O? More like Yuck-O.

Now, I am a good cook. I’m an amazing baker, but I do well with regular stove-top cooking too. (I’ve never met an Ina Garten recipe I couldn’t handle.)

But these supposedly easy no muss-no fuss dishes from Rachael Ray were kicking my ass.

So Delish? Hardly. And for crying out loud,  can’t she say delicious? It’s only one more fucking syllable.

That’s when her voice started getting on my nerves. When you add that to her overly cute delivery, inane slang, ceaseless pandering, oft-repeated phrasing , and rictus grin… well, I began to hate her.

EVOO? ARRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!! Would it fucking kill her to say extra virgin olive oil? Even if she just said olive oil, we’d all know what the hell she meant. Why unnecessarily complicate things with the EVOO shit? It doesn’t save time to say EVOO because she has to stop and explain what EVOO is when she says it. It’s just another part of her cutsie act that drove me insane.

So I stopped watching 30 Minute Meals.

And just about that time, Rachael Ray started showing up on other programs on Food Network. Now, I love to cook. (If I posted a picture of me, you’d know that already.) And I’m a good cook. So I like to watch Food Network. But I can barely turn on the stinking channel without seeing Ray’s grinning moonface looking back at me.

But little Miss Thing didn’t stop with Food Network. Oh no. She has a talk show. And she didn’t stop with TV. Oh no. It’s bad enough that she’s invaded the bookstore. She now has a magazine. She sells cooking equipment at Kohl’s. She on the box of some crackers. She has a brand of extra virgin olive oil. And recently, she invaded  my favorite TV shop; Et tu, QVC?

Everywhere I turn, that moonface is glaring at me. She’s stalking me. Make her go away!!1!!!!111!!

P.S.: I am fucking sick of the color orange.

P.P.S.: Looks like I found some inspiration to write, after all.

Quiz Day!

I hate end of year retrospectives. Besides, I’ve often thought that those are more about the blogger being too lazy to write something original than about truly recapping the year.

So, none of that will be found here. Instead, I’ll do what any other self-respecting blogger with absolutely no inspiration to write anything original will do: I’ll post the results of a bunch of online quizzes. Huzzah!


 


You Are Impressionism


You think the world is quite beautiful, especially if you look at it in new and interesting ways.You tend to focus on color and movement in art.
For you, seeing the big picture is much more important than recording every little detail.
You can find inspiration anywhere… especially from nature.
 

 

 

 


 

 


You Scored an A


You got 10/10 questions correct.It’s pretty obvious that you don’t make basic grammatical errors.
If anything, you’re annoyed when people make simple mistakes on their blogs.
As far as people with bad grammar go, you know they’re only human.
And it’s humanity and its current condition that truly disturb you sometimes.

 

 

 

 

The It’s Its There Their They’re Quiz

I have to admit, had I scored anything less than 10, I would have been deeply disappointed in myself. People confusing its/it’s  and they’re/there/their  is a huge pet peeve of mine. (And yeah, if you think I’m looking at you because of that, then I’m looking at you.)

Oh sure, I barely remember how to spell their, but that’s a separate issue altogether.


 


You Are Socks!


Cozy and warm… but easily lost.
You make a good puppet.
 
 

 

What Crappy Christmas Gift Are You?


 


You Are From Saturn


You’re steady, organized, and determined to achieve your dreams.
You tend to play it conservative, playing by the rules (at least the practical ones).
You’ll likely reach the top. And when you do, you’ll be honorable and responsible.
Focus on happiness. Don’t let your goals distract you from fun!

Don’t be too set in your ways, and you’ll be more of a success than you ever dreamed of.

 

 

 

What Planet Are You From?

Merry Christmas!

I’m not Christian. I’m Pagan. I say Merry Christmas.

Oh, I say Happy Yule when I initiate a Winter holiday greeting. But when someone says Merry Christmas to me, I say it right back. Same thing with Hanukkah. If someone were to greet me with a Happy Ramadan or Happy Kwanzaa, I’d say it right back at them. It’s not religion specific at all.

They’re not trying to push their religion on me. And I’m not acknowledging a particular belief on my part by replying. They’re simply wishing me a happy time during their holy holiday. So I have no problem wishing them the same right back at them.

So people, lighten up. Wishing someone a Merry Christmas doesn’t mean that you’re perpetuating a beastly hegemony that will suck all non-Christian civilization down to a base, discriminating level. Oh no. It just means that you’re returning some happy Wintertime wishes. So get that stick out of your ass and wish someone a Merry Christmas  already.

Happy Yule!

Food Porn: Best Damn Cookie Ever

You know those shows on Fox Sports? I think they’re on Fox Sports Channel, at least. Eh, I’m referring to those sports shows with the titles “Best Damn Sports Show Ever” or “Best Damn Golf Show Ever” or “Best Damn Knitting Show Ever.” Or whatever. Those. I hate those. Oh, I’ve never watched one; the title alone is enough to keep me away. And I’m not sure why.

Anyway.

I’ve been baking a lot lately. And I’ve found the best cookie recipe ever. Thus, the title… even though I dearly hate the concept, I’m stealing it for the title of this post ’cause the cookie recipe that follows? It’s the best damn cookie recipe ever. Sincerely.

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