The Smeller’s the Feller

Absence long story short:Sinus stoppage. Benadryl. Light sensitivity. Benadryl. Lightning storms. Power outages. Sinus pain. Benadryl. Thunderstorms. Benadryl. Sinus explosion. Benadryl. A few truck-loads of Kleenex. Benadryl.

The good news is that I can now breathe. The bad news is that I think I blew my brains out my nose sometime in the last week. If you wanted a new post, yay!!!! If you didn’t want a new post about burping and farting, sorry. As is often the case after a prolonged illness, I think what’s left of my brain is stuck on “Bodily Functions”.


My family is rather gross when it comes to bodily functions. I mean, I have two aunts who practically make burping into a familial cross between wine tasting and the Olympics.

“BrrruuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrpP!!!”

“Ooooh. Good one. I give it a 8.25.”

“8.25? Bull. It was at least a 9.5.”

“No way. There was no depth. 8.25.”

“Please. There were subtle undertones of pepperoni and Sprite. And it was loud and long. 9.5.”

“No way. I didn’t smell anything. I don’t care what you tasted. 8.25.”

“I smelled the Dr. Pepper I drank from last night. 9.5.”

“Nice. I’ll revise my score to a 9.0.”

On and on they go. At some point, if I’m around when these two get going with the arguing/scoring, I’ll make a smart ass remark about Russian judges. Which they don’t get because they refuse to acknowledge figure skating as a sport.

Anyway, they’ve been arguing like this since they were kids. Though, I do think the scoring thing is a recent addition, and my fault at that. They were arguing about who had the best after-taco burp when I (a mortified teenager) sarcastically scored it, hoping they’d realize how crazy they are to do this. But no. They liked the idea and have continued on with it ever since.

So my family finds bodily humor something to celebrate. Still, even growing up with whoopee cushions and fart machines and long-burp competitions the norm, I was mortified last week to find myself the victim of a serious after-Burger King gas attack. I have to tell you, Oust couldn’t touch this. Ozium sat down and cried. My scented candles had a nervous breakdown. And lighting a match did nothing but cause unimaginable distress to the rest of the poor matches (so much so that they all committed suicide via candle), so horrible was the attack.

All in all, I give it a 9.2.

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6 comments on “The Smeller’s the Feller

  1. pam says:

    Glad you feel better! I’m going through much the same thing… even the light sensitivity, which I don’t usually do! Thought it was weird…!

  2. Abbadon says:

    Yeah, glad you feel better but…farts and burps?

    Maybe next it will be…other stuff women can do.

    :oD>

  3. Prudie says:

    Pam, light sensitivity is weird for me, too. Which is why I didn’t blog much. Even with the ceiling lights off, my computer monitor light was painful. Eventually, it left. Which is a good thing. I was getting desperate. You never know how much you miss the crap that’s on TV until you can’t have it. And blogging is my pressure release valve.

    Abbadon, be careful what you wish for…

  4. Abbadon says:

    The light sensitivity thing sounds like you maybe had a migraine?

  5. Prudie says:

    I’ve had light sensitivity before with sinus problems. It’s rare – I think I’ve had it twice before – but it’s happened.

  6. Janet says:

    My sympathies, I’ve blown my brains out through my nose so often over the years I’m surprised I can remember my name.

    Interesting family you got-I come from a family where bodily emissions were considered mortifying. They think they can get away with it because I can’t hear, but I can tell when they lift one butt cheek so I call ’em on it.

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