Big

Male enhancement commercials crack me up. One brand, which shall remain nameless, has a commercial featuring a “reporter” “interviewing” seemingly random men on the street. All of these men act like they’re ashamed to “admit” that they are “bigger.” Hilarious!

What man would be ashamed to admit that they’re bigger? If these men were real, satisfied customers, they wouldn’t be shamed. They’d shout their glee from a very high place where many people could hear it.

In reality, these men are ashamed of being in such a ridiculous commercial, knowing that the whole thing is nonsense.

The language of the commercials kills me, too. Why are they tiptoeing around the fact that they’re talking about penises? Why not just say “penis” instead of “that certain part of a man’s body” or whatever. It’s crazy. “Penis” is not a bad word. It’s not a dirty word. It’s the anatomically correct name for a part of a man’s reproductive system.

I mean, if they made a commercial talking about “cocks” or “dicks” I would be mad at them for using slang in conjunction with a “medical” procedure (not to mention airing it on basic cable unbleeped). But “penis” is the right, technical noun. Why shy away from it? I don’t get it. If this pill is a real medical procedure (and if it’s one that works), then talking about it in technical terms wouldn’t be wrong.

Also, the women in the commercials make me laugh. Not to be mean about it, but the men in the commercials aren’t extremely attractive. And yet, in the commercials, they’re paired with women who would probably be considered sexy by some. Oh, they’re not pretty or anything like that, but I can see how a great many men would think them hot. Certainly, they look “Available.” And by “Available” I mean “trashy and easy.” Which may be why I think a great many men would think that they’re hot.

The men are clearly not hot. It’s funny. And it’s clearly a signal to potential customers: use our product to get a big dick and an easy, semi-hot girl regardless of what you look like or how bad your breath smells!

And yeah, a couple of those guys look like they have really bad breath.

 

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Good Night Gracie

That sucking sound you hear? It’s from A&E. They’re playing The Andromeda Strain. I just finished watching it and it’s coming on again. So, yeah, there’s some major suckage going on around A&E for the next four hours.

You’ve been warned. Don’t come crying to me if you waste four hours on that nonsense.

Oh, nothing was particularly wrong with it. But nothing was particularly right, either. There were a lot of tired plotlines that should have been retired long, long ago. Really, questionable alien/government conspiracy plots were boring long before the X Files breathed its last gasp. And, in the beginning of the series, the X Files did it better, and they did it in a quarter of the time it took the Andromeda Strain to wind down. (Maybe the upcoming X-Files movie will revive that tired old saw. I dunno. We’ll see.)

I didn’t appreciate their Dubya-lite president. The accent was a dead-on ringer for Dubya’s. And the “religious” moment between Dubya-lite and the bad guy (some gum-chewing Chief of Something or other, I think) was nothing more than a bit of Hollywood sneering at the simple, stupid, yokel, Dubya-lite-type religiosity. It was irksome on a mild level.

And to make matters worse, there’s a bunch of enviro-preaching at the end, which was hilarious considering how they treated the Dubya-lite prayer moment. Also, the enviro-preaching felt tacked-on, like the writers got the end and said, “Hey! We have a chance to save the world by using algae or something natural that’s really rare. And guess what? We should make Dubya-lite insensitive to the plight of the world-saving algae in the beginning to teach everyone a lesson at the end! Even better, let’s make him the cause of potentially killing off all of the world-saving algae by drilling in the ocean for some alternative energy! Damn, that’ll show those conservatives that they shouldn’t drill off-shore!”

Bah! Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home did a better job with that same story line: two 20th century humpback whales were transported to a humpback whale-extinct future where they promptly sang to some menacing aliens, thereby saving the earth from aliens who may or may not have been too stupid to realize that they were destroying the earth when they called for extinct whales. I am still amused at the whale names: George and Gracie. Hee. 

 
 

 

Sex and the City, the Movie

If you’re not a fan of Sex in the City, you might want to skip this post. ‘Cause you’re not going to understand half of what I’m writing about and you’ll find it boring. So consider yourself warned: I will accept no post-post whining in the comments about how long I went on and on about some stupid overrated TV show that’s not even on the air any more. So whine at your own risk; you will be mercilessly teased if you do so. On with the post!

Oh wait, I need to add a second warning: I haven’t seen the movie. But I am making a number of guesses as to its contents. So don’t think that anything I write is a spoiler. It’s not as far as I know. If I’m wrong, well, I guess we’ll see. If I’m right, then don’t come crying to me about ruining the movie for you. I had no idea. And yes, that just goes to show how truly awesome I am… Or it shows how truly terrible, unimaginative, and tired the writers of the Sex and the City movie are. Whichever. On with the post! Really.

I loved Sex in the City.

Oh, in the series, the fashions were deplorable. Seriously, did their mothers not teach those floozies how to dress? Or did the simple joy of adult independence strain the fashion cortex of their brains?

The plots were… well, to be kind, the plot lines of the SitC episodes were ridiculous. Completely implausible, in most cases.

The dialog was stupid in a narcissistic, uber-elite, hey-aren’t-I-naughty, bullshit kind of way.

The acting was passable in some cases and dreary in others. The better performances usually came from the guest stars and supporting characters.

I wasn’t a big fan of the main four. Of the four main actors, I found Cynthia Nixon to be the least objectionable and Sarah Jessica Parker to be the most. Of the four main characters, I identified mostly with Charlotte. (Make of that what you will. I certainly don’t know what to think about it.)

And the dysfunctional relationships were a psychologist’s wet dream.

I’m not entirely sure why I loved it so much.

But I did, and I’m giving the upcoming movie the stink eye.

See, I didn’t like Carrie winding up with Big when the series ended. Don’t get me wrong, Chris Noth (the actor who played Big) is gorgeous. He’s easily my number one pick for pure Hollywood hotitude. And he’s easily the best actor who regularly appeared on the show. But the character Big was an occasional ass. More than that, Carrie was an even bigger ass. Usually, I’d say that two asses deserve each other, but the Carrie/Big relationship never did anything for me.

And the movie commercials promise that the movie is about the Carrie/Big wedding. Oy. The idea of enduring a whole two hours devoted to a Carrie/Big wedding is unstomachable. Already, the commercials about The Dress are laughable, and not in a good, comedic way.

And yes again there are the commercials, which tease that maybe the long awaited (by some) Big/Carrie wedding might not happen. Well, yay, I guess. But are we really to be subjected to a two hour long Carrie weep-fest over Big? ‘Cause, seriously, we’ve been through several seasons of that already, what with the Carrie/Big on and off and on and off and on again relationship.

What more is there to weep about? Are they really going to subject us to two hours of Sarah Jessica Parker’s big red snotty drippy nose on the big screen? It was big, red, snotty, and drippy enough on my little 24 inch TV; I can’t imagine what proportions it will take in high definition big screen imagery.

I’m not sure that I want to even see the movie. The series ended fairly well in that it closed some open story lines and left enough open to the imagination. I didn’t like all the French shit that happened at the last minute. (It seemed like it was thrown in, unplanned, just to make the setting different. At the time, I thought that it was good thing that the series was ending since they’d started resorting to sorry gimmicky props like a Parisian backdrop.)

Anyway, I guess my reaction to the SitC  movie commercials is: meh. I haven’t decided if I’ll see it in theaters yet or if I’ll wait until it’s released on DVD.

Dating Math

According to game theory, I am a weak bidder. Which sucks mostly. But according to this article at Slate, being a weak bidder may actually be beneficial. To that, I say “Pshaw!” Because I know math. And this is what I know about mixing dating and math.

 

FemaleAptitude in Math and Science+ PrudieSmart Ass +

Biological ClockRINGING BITCH!!!!! + HouseBig Ass +

College EducationCivil Engineering + Career2 +

2(2 Hour CommuteOne Way) – (MenSingle, In Suburbs)! = X

 

Where:

College EducationCivil Engineering = Study Groups4 +

PrudieRuined Curve for Remainder of Class, Often +

Teenage BoysMasquerading as Men

and

X = 2 = Number of Dates Prudie Went on While Working as an Engineer for Six Years

 

I can only conclude that dating and math and I do not mix.

Don’t Panic!

Recession is a natural part of the economy. Just think of it as an enema. Or a laxative. It’s natural. Oh, you’re going to have cramps for a while. And your mornings for the next few days are going to be busy. But you’ll feel all clean and rosy afterwards… as soon as you down a few gallons of water.

No? Then think of it in terms of the Circle of Life. Yeah, the song from The Lion King. There. Doesn’t the syrupy sweetness of faux philosophy and upright moral fortitude of Elton John make you feel better? Don’t you feel all warm and snuggly suddenly? It’s the circle of liiiiiiiiiife and it moves us all.

OK. </sarcasm> I feel better now. Sometimes, it’s better to let the snark flow move out (oh, dammit, enough pooping puns) be. It’s better to let the snark be. Sigh.

For people looking for jobs, it sucks. Oh, it’s not that no one is hiring. It’s just that no one is hiring in the field for which I’ve been trained (which is civil engineering generally and water resources/stormwater management specifically). And other fields in which I might be employed until my field gets its collective ass together in Georgia? Well, I’m overqualified. Even f’n Wal-Mart won’t have me.

You know, I’ve wanted to get out of engineering for a long time. Looks like this is the time to do it.

Random Linkage

42  And the Goddess said unto Prudence, “Come thou and Blog, for thee I have seen righteous before Me in this blogosphere.”

43 And Prudence was sore afraid, because she knew she had naught in her draft queue and, indeed, her brains were as guacamole. For verily, there was no inspiration within her bosom for a new post; and Prudence searched, stricken, for a topic upon which to write.

44 And after this thing, the Lady came unto Prudence, saying, “Fear not, Prudence. I am thy shield, and thy exceeding inspiration. Look now toward heaven and tell the stars of thy fear, for I know that thou fearest, and thou shouldst not.”

45 And it came to pass that Prudence traveled to write upon Random Linkery once again, to fulfill that which her Goddess commanded:

46 And Prudence saw the cat, that which is in bondage and enjoys it, and thought it oddest amongst the beasts;

47 Then Prudence saw the whole world, and found it  beautiful;

48 And thus Prudence did sing, Boom dee adah;

49 And she found Abbadon, who is Jesus to Jehovah’s Witnesses, and Prudence did laugh and roll upon the floor, upon which her ass did fall;

50 And she saw that fat makes people fat, and yea she did cry;

51 And she did lust after the Kindle with exceeding power. Thus the Goddess reminded Prudence that she was poor, and without that which is necessary to purchase the beauteous Kindle. And Prudence wept with sorrow for it was truth;

52 And Prudence did ponder upon gas which was costly and dear. But she did also worry for fear of harming that which the Goddess created. Thus the Goddess said unto Prudence, “Let the soil bring forth abundantly the oil which my children need. But behold, I have given you dominion to care for that which I have created.”  

53 And lo, Prudence searched for fear of harming that which the Goddess created, and found that she could not search in certain places, nor could she search with certain people;

54 And Prudence was confused and did ponder more upon the Goddess’s words. And the Goddess did reply, “Drill already.”

55 And Prudence did take aim at her own blog with the bloody gun.  

56 And the Goddess saw that which Prudence did link and was pleased, for it was good.