The Case Against Stretch Denim

Stretch denim. You can’t try on a denim anything without a little tag hanging down touting the garment’s “stretch” ability. And, at first, it’s nice. So what if you have to go up a size in jeans? Stretch denim jean sizing usually runs small. But the jeans feel so fabulous on, who cares? You’ll go up a size eagerly to wear these jeans.

So you buy them. And for the first hour or so of wearing them, they’re just as fabulous as you imagined. But then, right around the fourth hour, you notice a little sag here and there. Oh, it’s not much. When you stand, the knees are bowed out a bit and the butt is now somewhere around your thighs. This doesn’t bother you until a few more hours pass. Now the waistband is large enough to fall past your hips and the butt is hovering somewhere around your knees. So the remainder of the day, you’re pulling your formerly fabulous jeans up every three steps. And you wished you owned a belt. You comfort yourself on the fact that at least a few of the younger hip hop crowd will think you up-to-date on current fashion.

Thus is the life of stretch jeans. Oh, they’ll shrink back into place after washing, but you’re stuck with the stretched out jeans until it’s convenient to change.

So, on your next shopping trip, you decide to buy a size smaller jean. Which works well after they’ve stretched out. But for the first few hours of wearing, they’re uncomfortably tight. You’ve got to lie on the bed to zip them up. And you have to take shallow breaths. But you manage to carefully sit up on the bed and then stand up, walking stiff-legged to the mirror to find that you’ve got a painful cameltoe the likes of which have yet to be documented in the annals of human history.

You can’t go out like that in public, at least not until the denim stretches out a bit. So you hobble around the house doing squats every so often, hoping that the denim will stretch soon. And it will, eventually, after your thighs burn and your crotch becomes numb. Then they’ll fit like the original larger pair of stretch jeans before you stretched them out by wearing them. And they’ll be fabulous… until you wash them. Then you’ll once again have to deal with the shallow breaths and numb crotch.


2 comments on “The Case Against Stretch Denim

  1. Abbadon says:

    See, your problem is you just need someone else to share your pants with…

  2. Prudie says:

    Sigh. Men… always concerned with what’s in a woman’s pants.


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