Suffer the Children

Dear Parents of the United States,

I am a single, childless female who doesn’t have any experience with children. Well, my experience with children is limited to the horrifying process of buying presents for baby showers, the occasional mind-numbingly loud full-family Christmas party, and stores. Even with my small experience, I do realize that it is tough being a parent. I understand that these days, in most families, both parents work full time away from the home. It has to be hard, raising a child when your time with that child is so limited.

If your child is younger than a teenager, it is likely you’re somewhere around my age. So, like me, you’ve probably been educated in government schools; which means that you were taught in those schools, for a good dozen or so years, that government is the answer to everything. And you probably believe it, too. After all, most of you send your own kids to government schools, so it’s not likely that you have any strenuous objections to them. But truly, where and how you wish to educate your children is not my affair. True, I help pay for their education, and I can’t help that wish more parents wouldn’t subject their children to government schools, but the ultimate decision is yours. Well, whatever “decision” the government allows you to make when it comes to educating your child is yours. So I can’t rightly blame you for sending your child to a government school when that same government gives you few other practical options in the matter, especially when both parents, like so many, have made children without a thought as how to pay to properly educate them, work away from the home, and live from paycheck to paycheck with little room for anything but the basic living necessities and luxury cars.

If I feel that too many of you choose to use those same government schools as tools to raise your children instead of doing the job yourselves, well, that too is your decision; and it is one of which I can’t blame the government. That is your fault. And your unruly children are the result. So let me be frank.

I hate your child.

It is true; your children annoy me. You pamper them. You don’t discipline them. You allow them to run amuck in public. You have truly spoiled them. And most of you don’t see what you’ve done. The only conclusion I can draw is that parenthood makes you blind.

And deaf. And perhaps stupid. Whether this is a gradual process or an instant change brought on by your wee one’s wails at birth, I can only speculate. But before I’m accused of being an unnatural female or a behavior-Nazi or something equally ridiculous, let me make this clear: truly, I don’t care if your precious little hellion is pampered, or spoiled, or undisciplined at home. May they turn your home to rubble if they wish (and if you allow it). I don’t care.

I only care about their public behavior. Specifically, I only care about their behavior around me. Since I can’t wear a sign around my neck warning all misbehaving children away (though I have thought of making a tee that says “keep your brat away from me” across the chest), I write on behalf of all of the people who suffer your child. We all hate your child. Even the people who have children your child’s age hate your child.

Childless I may be, but I know enough about kids to know that most of the little future felons in Wal-Mart behave that way because of a lack of parental control. Simply put, you aren’t doing your job.

I know that child rearing has changed significantly since I was a child. Today, kids go from play date to dance class to soccer practice to gym to who-knows-what-else every single day and they don’t stop until it is time to sleep. I think a lot of that is because you simply don’t know what to do with your kids. Maybe you don’t want to put up with them either. Hey, you may hate your child, too. That’s all your business.

It is our business when you subject us to them. So get control of your mini monsters or keep them at home.

Love and kisses,


P.S. Please do something about getting your senile parents off the road while you’re at it.